In studying relationships there are so many great recommendations to help remain in relationship and to create a better one. Respect is an important basic quality as well as physical intimacy and communication. While I believe that these are all great attributes to a solid relationship, it leaves out the most important aspect of relationships. Choose well.

Once in a relationship, we do what we can to make it work ….which can be easy, hard or an uphill battle. In many societies the Match is made without much input from the participants. A family interviews another family. They want to evaluate the values of the other family, town they are from, religious beliefs, economic or social standing. Do they make pasta together on Sunday nights and eat together with the extended family? Do they value a certain level of education or monetary success?

While these concepts may seem superficial, it is actually quite effective in staving off discord and divorce. Why, you ask? Sounds so archaic….perhaps.

When values match, there is less to fight about, and the couple “travels” in the same direction. With them on the same path, they can focus more time and energy on building and maintaining the relationship vs fighting over where or how to spend holidays or who’s job it is to take out the trash because they already have those values in place.

If you are currently in a relationship or looking for one, it is critical to either have matching values or recognize the importance of, and respect your partner’s if you have already committed.

 What qualities do you require your Partner to have? Make a list of 10 qualities that are non-negotiable. Review your list before a first date. If already married. Share a list with your partner of qualities that are important to you and encourage them to do the same so you can discover how best to care for you loved one.

 Make a list of daily, weekly and yearly of tasks that need to be completed and whose responsibility it is. In your family, whose job was it to complete them? Each family has followed a different pattern and you will have subconsciously internalized this information. If in a committed relationship, review each partner’s list together. These little things can drive a wedge between you if not openly shared. Time to mix it up so you can remain a match.

 What are the big picture values?

Here are some questions that you may find helpful to begin discovering your Partners or your own values.

Large family or none?

Stay at home parent or not?

Church on Sunday, spiritual retreats or football?

My dad always did this….it was his “job”

It was my mom’s job to do that….

Life is about…living in the moment or…saving/planning for the future.

Money is to be used for…